


Love is Not a Victory March

by BannedBookReader



Series: Suijin [1]
Category: Aquaman (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, OC Baby - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags May Change, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23923837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BannedBookReader/pseuds/BannedBookReader
Summary: "He didn't look over his shoulder at her. He knew if he did he'd break back down. Over what happened. Over what they'd done to cope. Over everything that could have been and now would never be."Tula is dead and she left behind a dear friend and a sister. In their grief mistakes were made. Now after Kaldur's undercover mission Manta seems to be using that mistake against Kaldur.
Relationships: Kaldur'ahm/ Debbie Perkins (past), Roy Harper/Kaldur'ahm
Series: Suijin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1870039
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Me using fiction to cope with two different flavors of untapped grief? It's more likely than you think.

"No. No you're _wrong_!" Debbie's voice cracked on the last word. Her composure was deteriorating quickly. Kaldur however, was more composed than perhaps he'd ever been. He had to be. All it would take was one crack and he'd fall apart. 

He reached out for his friend.

"No Kaldur! No! You're wrong!" She pulled away, tears began floating from her eyes. "Where's my sister?!" 

"I'm sorry." His throat closed, but he swallowed it down. Now wasn't the time. He'd have time later. "I was there...Tula is-"

"Don't you say it again! You're wrong!" 

He blinked at her. Blue hair floated wildly around her. Debbie's equally blue eyes were wild with untapped grief. He had to tread lightly. 

"Debbie..." He scoured his brain for the right words, but there were none. How could there be right words for this? His hand hung in the water, desperate to reach out and hold his friend. Tell her that everything was okay. But this didn't seem like the moment to lie. Kaldur's heart twisted but he ignored it. "Why would I lie about this?" 

She pulled further back, blue skin paler than usual, drained of blood from the shock. "Being wrong and lying aren't the same thing..." A sob slipped through her lips. "I'm sorry but you _have_ to be wrong!" 

"I wish I was." 

"Kaldur." She sank down to the Palace floor. Sobs racking her body. He lowered himself and gently pulled her in tight. What he would give to be holding her sister instead.

The guilt he felt from that thought was immediate. He squeezed her tighter. 

"Will we be okay?" Her voice was muffled by his shirt.

"What choice do we have?" He felt his own voice crack. 

No. 

Not here. 

Right now he was needed. Later when he was alone he'd grieve. But now was not the time. Slowly she pulled away, but her hands were still holding onto his shirt. Long nails digging into his flesh under the fabric. Her eyes were puffy and rimmed with red, a sharp contrast to the rest of her. 

Shock rocked through him when she pressed her lips against his. They were soft, the way he'd imagined Tula's. And with his eyes closed he could almost imagine...

He pulled away. "Deborah. _What_ are you doing?" 

She pressed her forehead against his. She was crying again, shaking her head ever so slightly. Tremors ran through her body. "I... I'm sorry..."

Gently he ran a webbed hand through her long hair. He didn't know what to say. His sorrow was quickly returning after being knocked aside from surprise. Slowly she rested her head back on his chest, shifting her whole body. 

"She can't be dead Kal..."

"I have no intentions of lying to you."

"I should have been there."

"I _was_ there. There was nothing to be done. It was her choice. She saved us all." The words felt wrong in his mouth. Like an excuse he was trying to convince himself of as much as he was Debbie.

"It wasn't her job." 

"We both know it was, and if you tried to say that to her she'd-"

"Kick my ass?"

"Yeah probably." 

Then they were both laughing, soft and strained. But they couldn't keep it up. Even the microscopic joy they'd received from her memory was tainted by recent events. Quite settled over them, until she pulled away again. Not much, just enough to look in his eyes. The despair written on her face was like torture. 

"You're allowed to be upset Kal. I know you loved her." 

As soon as the words left her mouth he felt nauseous. If he tried to respond he would have fallen apart. So instead he simply pulled her in tighter. She pushed her body into him. It was soft, not like Tula's which was lean and tight with well trained muscles. He'd never had the chance to hold her like this. And holding her sister this way felt almost wrong. But he couldn't bring himself to let go. 

"This really sucks." It was almost a whisper, if they weren't so close together he would have missed it. 

"Yeah." 

"I'd do anything to not feel like this." 

"Yeah." 

Time passed with them like that. Tangled together on the floor of her bedroom. A framed picture of Tula staring down at them from the wall. A wide grin spread across her face, like she'd just gotten away with something. In all honesty she probably had. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, Debbie untangled herself and pulled away. A new sorrow smacked him. He didn't realize how much he was also relying on that physical contact. He'd assumed he was holding his friend together. But clearly he'd also been craving it. 

He watched as she sat on her queen bed. Her head was down, but from his spot on the floor he couldn't tell if she was still shaking. He definitely _was_. It was something he hadn't noticed until now. But he'd probably been shaking since the moment he first realized Tula was really gone. But he'd processed it half a moment after Garth had, and in that moment his friend needed him. Then he was needed to explain what happened to everyone else. Then their friends in Atlantis had to be told, and Garth certainly was in no position to tell anyone anything. So he'd just kept pushing it all down and ignoring things like his whole body shaking like a leaf in the wind. And now? When everyone had been told, and Tula's sister seemed to be coping by herself a few feet away? He still couldn't bring himself to tear down the walls he'd built. 

"Kaldur." 

"Hmm?" 

"Come here." 

He sat on the edge of her bed, barely sitting on it at all really. Her face was a blank slate. Uncomfortable to see on someone who was always so expressive. 

"Debbie?" 

"Hmm?" 

"What can I do?" What a dumb question.

A small sad smile pulled on her lips. They were a little thinner than Tula's. Debbie's eyes were less rounded, more almond shaped. But they had the same nose, and almost the same face shape. So if he closed his eyes and reached out to cup her chin, it would be so, so, easy to pretend. 

"What can anyone do?" Her hand was wrapped around his. 

"I do not know." 

This time when she kissed him he melted into it. Let it happen. It was simultaneously everything he wanted and nothing he wanted. But it was something else other than pain. And as wrong as it was, and he knew it was wrong, it was so unbelievably easy to pretend it was Tula. That she was the one straddling his hips, running her hand over the back of his head. Pulling his shirt off. 

"Debbie." 

She pulled away slowly, her teeth pulling on his lip. "Too much?" She asked. 

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

They both wanted the same thing right now after all…

To feel anything other than what they were both feeling. To push away the overwhelming pain and loss and thoughts of what could have been. Of what should have been. To bury the anger, raw and untapped in both of them. 

He responded finally, by twisting his hand into her thick hair, so much longer than Tula's but just as full, and pulling her back into the kiss. His other hand found its way to the small of her back, exposed by her crop top. His thumb ran circles around the soft smooth skin. Apparently that particular patch of skin was sensitive because she moaned silently into his lips and pushed her hips into his in one hard motion. 

Everything that happened next was fast and desperate. Clothes tossed aside like obstacles, blankets tied in knots around their bodies, hands in places neither had ever imagined putting them on the other. Bruises sprouted on their bodies under the other's mouth like unwelcome flowers. Heat flooded them. 

Their movements were fast and rough. Her nails ran trails down his back. His teeth chewed lightly on her sensitive skin. Occasionally they'd flip, doing what they could to keep it going. Tounges found new nooks and crannies to explore. 

At some point they gave up on being quiet. If anyone was on the other side of the door, that wasn't their fault. The gasps and grunts managed to get them even more worked up. Gave the other person a goal to shoot for. It didn't take long for him to figure out exactly which buttons to push to get her to react. To arch under him, to gasp out. 

Debbie moved her hands to the back of his head and pulled him back into a kiss. They were both so close. Too close. If this ended they'd have to go back to the truth. Back to her death. To knowing, exactly how wrong _this_ was. 

" _Kaldur._ " Her face twisted in pleasure, her hands tightening around the back of his head and neck. He wasn't far behind, pushing back into a kiss while he carried out the last of the sensations. She moaned into his mouth which only proved to make his final moments come faster. 

He fell down next to her, shame mixing with grief almost immediately. Why did they do that? Why did _he_ do that? 

His nausea returned ten-fold. He could hardly believe any of this was real. How could this be real? His breathing was hitched. Seconds away from a full blown panic attack if he wasn't careful. 

"Well that was something." Debbie's voice was unreadable, her breathing impressively steady. 

"That was a mistake." 

"Undoubtedly." 

She rolled over and wrapped her arm around his bare chest. Soft lips pushed against his, now sensitive, gills. 

"If you don't slow your breathing down, I'm gonna have to call the Royal Doctor and you know how she gets." Her lips brushed the delicate skin with every word. It sent chills down his spine. 

"Are you really okay with what just happened?" 

"I'm not, not okay with it." A beat, and then. "But I'm sorry I'm not my sister." 

His heart stopped. 

"And not just because we both know she's who'd you rather be with. If I could go on the Surface, be the hero that she is- was, then maybe it'd be me you were mourning. And she'd still be around to help the world."

"Don't talk like that." 

"At least I'm letting myself grieve." The steadiness of her voice betrayed that statement. She was hiding from her grief just as much as he was.

"I can't." 

"Try." 

"I can't." His voice cracked again. Every moment since the start of the mission flashed through his mind. He was shaking again, worse than before. He gritted his teeth. She sat up and rested a hand on his shoulder.

" _Try_."

He pushed the balls of his hands into his eyes. He had to get control of himself. He was fast approaching "not being able to breathe" territory. 

Debbie was crying again, this time silently. She pulled him into a hug, instead of the other way around. "Please just try Kaldur. I can't lose you too." 

And that was the last straw. He wasn't sobbing exactly, but it was probably as close as he could get. He wasn't sure what to do with this level of vulnerability. This wasn't him. He helped other people, not the other way around. He did his best to collect himself. 

Kaldur pulled himself out of the bed and started getting dressed, still crying despite himself. 

"Kaldur." It came out as a sob. He didn't look over his shoulder at her. He knew if he did he'd break back down. Over what happened. Over what they'd done to cope. Over everything that could have been and now would never be. 

"I'm sorry Deborah. I have to go. I... I'll see you later." 

Except he didn't. Because while he was in Atlantis he avoided her like death itself. Then, before long, he was on a mission that broke her heart all over again. 

In a way she _had_ lost him too.


	2. She Broke Your Throne She Cut Your Hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention it in the last author note but shout out to my two wonderful betas tarantula-hawk-moth and blackmantagirl both on Tumblr
> 
> Debbie's age is never really addressed in the comics so for the sake of this fic (and p much any other I write with her) she's a year older than Kaldur.

His head was spinning. Standing in the Watchtower, in his own clothes was surreal. When he moved there was no added weight of jet black armor or the lies he carried. He felt like laughing, or maybe crying. Not that he'd cried since that night. Even in the absolute worst moments he kept in his tears. They were under tight lock and key like the rest of his emotions. They weren't a luxury he could afford while undercover. Emotions lead to mistakes. And every second he was walking on increasingly thinning ice. 

Except. 

Now he was home. 

He was safe. 

He was allowed to feel again. 

So why was it so hard? 

Everything was muddled together in his head. There was still so much to do. Perhaps that was it. Once this situation was dealt with he could start to unpack. Figure out his emotions. How he really felt about David. About Tula...

"Kaldur'ahm." King Orin's voice triggered his fight or flight response deep in his chest. He hated it. Kaldur forced himself to relax.

"My King." The words tasted like copper. Practically burned his throat. For a year he had no King. In many ways he'd never considered he was his own man. Except that he wasn't. It was all a lie. Orin's blue eyes were so tired and Kaldur knew exactly what part he played in that. "I should apologize-"

"Stop." Orin held his hand up weakly. "I understand. You don't owe me anything."

"But I do." His throat tightened. He absolutely _did_ owe the King an apology. He owed everyone an apology. What they'd done, even though he knew it was necessary, hurt so many people. People he loved. People he had sworn never to hurt. People like his parents. Like his Team. Like Roy.

Kaldur flinched when Orin set his hand on the younger man's shoulder. It was involuntary but both men knew it happened. Neither mentioned it. His heart was beating in his ears, louder than his breathing. He was home. He should be okay now. Maybe there were still parts of his mind that M'gann needed to fix. 

"I'm just glad you're safe Kaldur. And I'm glad you're okay." 

Was he okay? What did okay even feel like?

"Me too my King." He rested his hand on top of Orin's. A small smile pulled on the King's lips. 

"As much as I wish this were just a social call, I need to ask. Have you spoken to Debbie?"

Ice slid through his veins. The last time he'd seen her flashed through his eyes. Her calling his name while he walked out of the room. Because he couldn't handle the situation. How selfish of him. 

"Not yet."

"You should."

"Why?" It was sharp. Not at all how he intended the question. But he was already on edge, and with his indiscretion resting in the front of his mind? He couldn't really keep the edge away. 

"It is not my place to say-"

"My King. With the current situation I'll be away from Atlantis for _days_ ;." He motioned to the busy room with one hand. "Please don't let this plague me when my full attention is needed."

Orin removed his hand slowly. Letting it drop off Kaldur's shoulder like he was letting gravity do all the work. His face remained blank, but he was clearly considering. Ever so slowly a crease appeared in between his brows. Then all at once he sighed and dropped his head. Kaldur watched carefully as Orin began digging in his suit's pocket, hidden from the naked eye. He wasn't sure why he was surprised when Orin removed his phone but it was so mundane that it left Kaldur with a chill. 

"Kaldur, you're sure you want to hear this from me?" 

Considering Kaldur's heart hadn't slowed down at all, that question didn't help ease his mind. He nodded, not trusting his own voice. She had to be okay. He wasn't sure he could stand if _that_ had been their last interaction. Years of friendship and antics deserved a better ending. 

__

__

Orin held his phone out, displaying what looked like a happy picture of mother and child. Kaldur took a startled step back. 

This wasn't possible. 

He hadn't... 

He had. 

He ran a shaky hand down his face. So many questions began packing themselves into his head. Yet, only the question he knew the answer to managed to slip out. 

"How?" 

"I can take a guess. But I don't want to embarrass you." 

"My King..." He trailed off. What? What could he possibly say about this. His eyes scanned the image again. Debbie was sitting on the edge of the royal throne, completely disregarding tradition, a bundle being held gently on her knee. Not a bundle, a baby. His baby. Bright green eyes, high cheekbones. It was obvious. 

He pinched his eyes closed. With everything that was happening right now he couldn't be distracted. He had to get the most obvious questions out of the way. 

"Do I get to know their name?" 

"Her name is Suijin. Debbie is nothing if not dramatic. And she said it honored her mother's culture." 

Somehow a small smile pulled on Kaldur's lips. He ignored it. "How did I not know?" 

Orin shifted on his feet, his eyes looking past Kaldur, out the windows behind him. "My sister..." He took a deep breath and sighed it out. "...we thought we'd lost you Kaldur. She was worried that if you were truly gone, and if you knew about Suijin..." 

Nausea hit like a wave. "I would _never_ hurt a child. Let alone my own." He practically hissed. He needed to breathe but that was getting progressively more difficult. Hadn't he hurt children on his mission? He must have. Thinking back on the trails of destruction he left for "the greater good". 

"I know that. But put yourself in her shoes for a moment Kaldur. You're good at that. Understanding others I mean." 

Unfortunately for him, he was very good at that. And in a way, it made a perfect, painful, sense. He had seemingly snapped. Turned on all his morals. On all his friends. Of course Debbie wouldn't want to risk him finding out.<

His eyes fell closed while he mulled over the situation. Orin returned his hand to his shoulder. 

Slowly he let his eyes bat open. Everything was fitting together in his head, even if he didn't want it too. Especially the fact that there was no way Dick didn't know. He knew _everything_ about everyone. A cool anger nestled itself deep in his chest. But that was an anger for another day. 

"Could you send me that picture?" There was a shakiness to his voice but it would go away. Once the topic at hand shifted back to saving the world from the Light. 

"Of course." 

°°°°°°°°°°°° 

The Palace hadn't changed at all in the year or more he'd been gone. Of course it hadn't. What had he been expecting? 

He could move about the ancient building with his eyes closed if he needed to. And considering it was practically a maze of hallways and rooms and secret tunnels? That was an impressive feat. Not that he was one to pat himself on the back. 

He breathed in a big breath of cool filtered water. It felt good to be in the water without being weighed down by his father's uniform. To let the water move freely around his exposed skin and gills. 

"Will you be _quiet_." A familiar voice hissed at the end of the hall. But when Kaldur turned to look, Koryak and whoever he was speaking to, were nowhere to be seen. But the current betrayed them, the water still shifting from where they ducked into a side hall. So Kaldur waited until the Royal Guards made their way around again. 

It didn't take long for Murk and Sark to round the corner. Sark attempting to create small talk and being shot down at every turn. 

"Pardon me." Kaldur spoke, unsure exactly where he stood with two men he once fought side by side with. 

"Kaldur!" Sark practically beamed. "I heard what happened! I knew you were loyal to the King! I just _knew_ it!" 

Kaldur felt the urge to flinch at the words. Loyal to the King. Is that all he'd be portrayed as once he was gone? He stopped that train of thought before it turned to David. 

"I was hoping to have a private conversation with the King's sister," He began, "but I suspect we may have some uninvited company." His eyes darted towards the end of the hall where he'd heard the outcry. 

"On it!" Sark was maybe a little too enthusiastic as he bounded down the hall to stand guard. A moment later Koryak let out a "oh come on!" from around the corner. 

Murk eyed Kaldur carefully with his one good eye. "Kaldur'ahm," the soldier shifted in the water. "I'm...glad you aren't a traitor." And then he set off to block the other end of the hall before Kaldur could respond. 

He took in another gulp of water, this time with his mouth so that he could feel the uncomfortable pressure of the water being pushed out, the oxygen extracted by his gills. Then his fist managed to knock on the door in front of him. And he knew once the door opened his life would be changed forever. 

Before that thought could take hold the door opened slowly. An air of drama surrounding the action. And then she was looking him in the eye. Dark blue looking into light green. Clearly multiple things were running through her mind. Her fist, hanging by her side, clenched and unclenched like she couldn't decide on if she should hit him or not. In his opinion, he felt like she should. But when she finally moved it was to wrap her arms around his neck. 

"You fucking idiot." She breathed, pulling out of the hug before he could return it. 

"Yes. I'm inclined to agree." 

Even though she had moved away from him she reached out and touched his cheek. Almost like she couldn't believe he was really there in front of her. 

He shifted awkwardly. "Um. King Orin..." He trailed off. He shouldn't know yet. Maybe he was wrong to request the information from Orin. Even if not knowing would have eaten at him. 

"Come on in." Her voice was low, almost a whisper. Kaldur let her drag him into the room, so familiar yet so different. The queen bed that was witness to much more than just a night of mourning had been moved over. The dresser that once stood next to the bed now rested by the door. The biggest change however was the crib. It was delicately decorated. Covered in seahorses and shells. 

"She has her own room, I'm just paranoid. I blame my mother really. But she's just so little Kal..." 

"May I?" He asked, motioning towards the sleeping child. His voice even lower than hers. 

"Of course." 

He'd moved carefully before. To stay hidden, or disarm bombs, or any number of things. But he'd never moved as carefully as he did now. 

He froze when Debbie started to laugh. It was so unexpected it sent his heart into a panicked frenzy for a moment. He'd heard laughter aboard his father's ship. But nothing so light and innocent. Not that Deborah Perkins was anywhere close to innocent. Kaldur once watched her try and feed a diver to a giant clam. Alive. She pushed past him and scooped the sleeping baby up. 

"Sit." She whispered, and he did just that. In a chair that was placed close to the crib, that had never been in this room before according to his memory. Then she was adjusting his arms making sure Suijin's head was supported. That she was comfortable. Suddenly the dark skinned baby stirred, a blue darker than Debbie's, and looked up at Kaldur. Her light green eyes a mirror of his own. The soft, wide, eyes batted closed again as she settled into his arms a smile hanging onto her face. 

"She likes you." Debbie smiled softly at the pair. "Good. I'm glad." 

And he was too. A weight that had been sitting on his shoulders since Orin had first showed him the picture, slowly melted away. 

Debbie pulled out her own phone. "Smile Papa." She said, a laugh edging her words. He did his best. 

"Debbie, I am so-" 

"Stop. What's done is done. Besides. You saved the world." She rose from her crouched position and swam over to the dresser. 

Why wouldn't anyone let him apologize? He _needed_ to apologize. 

"Here." She said, pulling out a small box. Her back was to him but that didn't keep her from speaking. "Deep down, I hoped you hadn't turned. Everyone kept telling me about your crimes. But. I'm nothing if not optimistic." She spun around, her hair floating wildly around her. "This is a box of pictures I made copies of." A beat then, "for you." 

"Debbie." He said. Afraid that the movement of his voice in his chest would wake the sleeping baby. The gratitude he felt was unreal. A box of pictures of all the moments he missed. Missed to save the world, but missed nonetheless. "Thank you." 

She swam back and set the box next to his feet. "Of course you goof. But I do want to make one thing very clear." 

"Yes?" His panic returned tenfold. 

"What happened the night after my sister died? That led to this wonderful, beautiful, ball of spit of noise? That will _never_ happen again." 

He almost laughed. "I had no intentions of it happening again." 

"Good." She floated over him and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Then she did the unthinkable. She took Suijin from him. "Now shoo. Go say hi to everyone else." 

"But-" 

"We will be here tomorrow. And so will you." 

"I suppose." Reluctantly he rose from the chair and watched her lower the girl into her crib. It was just as surreal as everything else in his life was right now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and feedback very welcome. They water my crops as the cool kids say.


	3. I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew Ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you to my 2 wonderful betas

I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew Ya 

For the second time in a week Kaldur stood in front of a door that would change his life. Two years ago if someone had told him Roy would have his own house? He definitely wouldn't have believed that. He wasn't sure Roy would have either. Maybe he should of had more faith in his friend. Just one more thing, in the ever growing list, to apologize for. 

The urge to pace the wooden porch was quickly sneaking up on him so instead he willed himself to knock on the door. It took no time to swing open and reveal Artemis. Her long hair was pulled tight into a sloppy bun, and she wore loose sweat pants and a cut off tee shirt.

"Artemis." He tried to cover his surprise. This was the first time he was seeing her since Wally's memorial. It's not that he was avoiding her, just that it was hard to see her grieve. Harder too for him to see it while grieving himself. "I... I'm here to see-"

"He's upstairs, be down in a minute though. Come on in." She waved him inside the space. A noise he'd grown familiar with in the last week echoed from upstairs. A baby crying. The house would be roomy if not for the boxes. So many of them, with so many different handwritings. Clearly gifts from friends or fellow heroes. There was no way Roy and Artemis owned this much stuff even together. 

"I wasn't expecting to see you." He admitted.

"Yeah well, Roy needed a babysitter and I...I needed a place to stay. So." She motioned around to finish her point. 

"A good arrangement." 

"Yeah." She trailed off, looking at the kitchen table covered in dishes wrapped in newspaper. The crying upstairs continued. 

"Does he need help?" 

"No, she's just in a mood today. Doesn't want to take a nap." 

Kaldur nodded. He hadn't run into that particular problem yet, but it turned out Suijin wanted attention her every waking moment. It seemed simple enough, except when the attention he was giving wasn't the exact kind of attention that she wanted. It was a surprisingly exhausting guessing game, and Debbie offered little help. Opting instead to laugh at him until she took the baby back and settled her down. 

"So, what are ya doing here?" Artemis asked, breaking the silence that had settled over them. 

"I wanted to speak to Roy. Apologize." 

Kaldur ran a hand over the back of his head. The longer this got dragged out, the worse his anxiety spiked. How was he going to do this exactly? They didn't exactly part on the best terms.

"Yeah, he misses you."

"Why?" The question was out of his mouth before he even processed it. Thankfully Artemis responded by tossing some discarded newspaper at him. Maybe "why" wasn't the right question anyway. Maybe "really" or "are you sure". Because he was more surprised than confused. Really he knew _why_.

"I'm not dignifying that with a response. Hey, what happened to your knuckles? Fun story?" Her grey eyes, puffy and rimmed with red, looked over his hands.

"Not exactly. I had a...disagreement with Dick." 

Disagreement wasn't entirely accurate. He'd decided to find out if his suspicions were true. That Dick knew about Suijin. Kaldur was sure he'd handle it better. However, even the most controlled people lost their temper every now and again. But Kaldur wasn't in the mood to explain this all to Artemis. 

"Do I get an explanation?" Her voice was laced with concern.

"He kept a secret from me that he had no business keeping."

"Sounds like Dick." There was an unasked question there. 

Kaldur suppressed the sigh that was building up. Instead he pulled out his own phone, deciding to go about this the same way Orin had. After all he already owed so many people explanations, one more might be the straw that breaks his back. 

Artemis frowned at the picture. Like she couldn't comprehend what she was seeing exactly. But then it clicked. Her grey eyes shot wide for half a second but she collected herself rather quickly.

"You two are more alike than you realize."

"I suppose." He let himself laugh a little. Not sure how genuine it was exactly. 

"So who's the mama?"

He winced a little, knowing exactly how bad it would look. "Tula's sister, Debbie." 

Artemis didn't have to say anything, her face said it all. It didn't take much time for her shock to pass however. "Oh. Well. Yeah okay. You got anymore pictures?" 

He had almost an embarrassing amount of pictures. He'd taken more pictures in this last week than he had in his entire lifetime. So they went through them together. Artemis was remarkably patient with the amount of images that were near identical. And to his surprise Kaldur really enjoyed talking about them. Explaining, sometimes in remarkable detail, everything that was happening in each image. They were so engrossed in the pictures they hadn't noticed Roy tiptoe down the stairs. 

"Kaldur?" 

Despite himself Kaldur jumped, his body ready for a fight that, hopefully, wouldn't come. "Roy." 

"I'm going to leave you two to talk. Work on unpacking my room." Artemis offered before doing just that. Leaving the two men to stand awkwardly on opposite sides of the kitchen. 

"So, you going on an apology tour or something?" Roy asked. His blue eyes skirting the tiled floor, hand rubbing the back of his neck. Compared to the last time Kaldur saw him he looked, almost healthy. Compared to the first he looked run down. He'd clearly gained some weight but his cheeks were still hollow. His eyes weren't bloodshot but bags hung under them. The grease had been washed from his red hair and it'd been cut, but still longer than when they were teenagers. It was uncanny. 

"Something like that yes. But-" The words he ran over a million times in his head got stuck. He swallowed and hoped they'd return. They didn't. 

"But?" Roy prompted, still not looking at him.

"I have a many, many things to apologize for. But I am not the only one." 

Roy's head shot up, his face warping into a familiar anger. That's not how Kaldur planned on broaching the subject, but the words had dislodged themselves and he was anxious to get a full sentence out before his uncertainty took over again.

"So you're holding your apology hostage until you get one in return!?" Roy's voice was flat and even. Kaldur knew it could flip in an instance. And considering that's not at all what he was trying to say, it was time to backtrack. 

"No! No, I'm still going to apologize. I...this isn't going right." He rubbed his head again, hoping it wasn't going to become a habit. "Roy. I'm sorry. For everything. And I do mean _everything_."

The redhead softened a little, his anger slipping away. "Yeah...apology accepted." His eyes fell again. "And you're right. I'm sorry too. I should have handled everything better.

"Grief leads us down strange roads. Makes us do crazy things."

Roy looked back at him, eyebrow raised and lips twitched in a cross between being pursued and smiling. "Do you mean the undercover mission? Cause yeah, that was fucken crazy. And I'm still kinda pissed."

Despite himself Kaldur laughed. "It was, looking back. That's not all that I'm talking about though." He still had his camera roll up and passed the phone to Roy. There was a tense beat while Roy flipped through the pictures. Eventually he looked back up at Kaldur, frowning in confusion.

"Her name is Suijin. As it turns out, she's my daughter..."

Another beat.

Then Roy was doubled over laughing. Practically in hysterics. He held Kaldur's phone out with a shaking hand presumably so that he wouldn't drop it. He continued laughing, with his arms wrapped around his waist until Kaldur's own annoyance broke through.

"I'm sorry but _what_ exactly is so funny?" 

Roy started to straighten himself and answer but was racked with another round of, what could best be described as, giggles. Kaldur sighed in frustration. At least Roy was still as unpredictable and childish as ever. Slowly he managed to put himself back together. Wiping tears from his grinning face. 

"I'm sorry Kal. It's just. Of all the people..."

"Yeah. It was, out of character I suppose." 

"Out of character or not, if you need any help, I have a little bit of experience." He motioned towards the steps with his hand still grinning. "I do mean _little bit_. But I'm figuring shit out."

The words were a shock to Kaldur. He'd assumed between their last fight, really the last time they spoke before this, and the mission that Roy would want nothing to do with him. That he'd toss his apology aside and tell him to get lost. But here he was, offering help.

"I appreciate it." What a weak set of words. They didn't come close to expressing how he actually felt. But they were all he could muster. 

" 'Course. So I take it the blue chick from the pictures is Suijin's mom?" 

"Deborah, yes. Though I don't think she'd take kindly to being called "the blue chick"."

"Sorry." For some reason the awkwardness returned. "So...uh," Another neck rub. "Are you two a thing then?" 

Kaldur gave a small smile. "No. We never were. Just two grieving teenagers. Stupid kids really."

"Oh."

Now was a good a chance as any to ask, Kaldur figured. "You and Jade?"

"She walked out. Not surprising I guess."

"Ah."

"Yup. Guess that means we're both single."

"It does."

"Hmm."

"Yeah." 

"Interesting."

"I suppose." 

They had stopped looking at each other again. Roy rocking on his heels, Kaldur with his hands behind his back.

"I asked you out the first time." Roy finally spoke.

"You are also the one who broke it off." Kaldur looked at Roy, eyebrow raised.

"I did not!"

"You told me to get out."

"I didn't mean _forever_!"

"You said you never wanted to see me again." The memory stung just as much as ever. 

Roy opened his mouth to argue but closed it with a frown. "I did say that didn't I?"

"Yes."

"Shit. I'm sorry. I wasn't exactly sober."

"I'm well aware."

"I am now though."

Kaldur smiled again, a little bit more genuine than his last few. "I can tell."

"Well, I still stand by it being your turn." 

"I disagree." 

"Oh my god you two!" Artemis exclaimed. She apparently had come downstairs to grab a pair of scissors that were now pointed in the direction of the two men. "Go get some goddamn lunch. I'll watch Lian." 

"I could eat." Roy said it more like a question directed at Kaldur.

"As could I." 

°°°°°°°°°°°°

Kaldur stopped in the doorway to the coral garden, content to watch for a moment while Debbie sniped at some of the overgrown plant-like creatures. She seemed to be arguing with it, and only hearing her side of the conversation was incredibly amusing.

"Because it's good for you that's why." She said as she took off another piece and set it into a fragging plug. "Besides, this is the best way to grow more coral." Whatever the response was caused the young woman to scoff and roll her eyes. He couldn't help but snicker. 

"Are you spying on me Kaldur'ahm?" She asked not looking up.

"If I were _Deborah_ , you wouldn't know I was here." He pushed off the wall and floated gently towards the playpen Suijin was sitting in, tossing her toys around. 

"I know everything." 

"Right." Kaldur scooped the little girl up earning a loud squeal of joy. In, what he assumed was, a thank you or maybe a hello, she hit him in the head with a soft doll. "Yes, yes, little one." He murmured as she continued to smack him.

"You seem happy. Genuinely."

"I suspect I might be."

"Good. It's good to see you like that for once." 

He furrowed his brow. "What does that mean?"

"Whatever you think it means." 

Kaldur considered continuing to press the issue, but decided against it. Besides, he knew what she meant. Instead he focused on Suijin. She had abandoned her assault with the doll. Apparently distracted by some small fish floating by, trying desperately to catch it with her tiny hand. 

"Do you think she can hear them too?" 

"The sea creatures?" Debbie asked, picking up her tray of coral plugs. 

"Yeah. Hold old were you when you first started talking to them?"

"Oh I don't remember. I was talking to them and having them do what I want my whole life." She tossed her back. "You hear that? I can _make_ you cooperate. But anyway, I mean probably? Arthur can. But Tula couldn't. I don't think Orm can. Koryak is Arthur's kid and he can't, but I suspect Arthur Jr. can..." She trailed off.

"So there's no real way to know." 

"I guess. The Call picks and chooses. " She met the two by the playpen and held out her tray with pride. "Look! Babies!" 

"I don't understand fragging enough to know if you're serious."

"Very. You cut off a piece of the coral, put it on the plug, the cut off piece grows into a new animal." 

"Interesting." 

"Are you humoring me?" Her eyes narrowed dangerously. 

"Not at all. I really do find it interesting. I should have paid more attention in school."

"You should have finished school." 

"Wow. Alright then." Suijin's doll floated down the sandy floor of the garden. Within seconds of letting it drop she was wailing in his ear. Kaldur winced back and tried to pick the doll up with his foot, failing miserably because of the way he was holding his daughter. Debbie responded the way she did whenever he struggled with the girl, by laughing before fixing in the situation herself. 

"Here you go Minnow." She whispered, handing the doll back. "Oh hey, how'd you know where I was by the way?" 

"Your habits didn't take long to get down. You should really mix things up a little." He smirked at her.

She returned it. "Well now that I'm not a single mother anymore I just might."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments help me write because my dumb adhd brain needs positive stimulation lol. <3


	4. It's Not a Cry that You Hear at Night

Roy's arms burned with effort and finally he let himself collapse to the floor, swearing himself on the short way down. In his prime he could do twice as many push ups before breaking a sweat. Now...

He rolled over onto his back. Air slicing painfully through his lungs, sweat dripped off him and pooled under his work out tank. Another set of swears poured out under his breath. But he'd done this to himself after all. No matter how much he wanted to blame others, the Light, Oliver, hell sometimes even Kaldur, in the end he'd made the choices he'd made. No one else. 

Roy was jostled out of his thoughts and self pity by Kaldur's phone ringing. Without thinking he smacked the ignore button. He glanced at the sleeping man on his bed. Kaldur had been reluctant to take a nap to say the least. But eventually exhaustion won out. Roy wasn't going to let that be disturbed by someone else requesting more from Kaldur than he could give. 

It'd been a month or so since they reconciled. As it turned out even though they'd burned down everything on top, their relationship was still built on a strong foundation. As such, things fell back into a sort of familiarity from time to time. Granted most of it was frustratingly like walking on eggshells, and more than a few arguments were bitten back by both of them in fear of what it would do to the newly built relationship. But Roy was comfortable saying he was happy. And that, more than anything else that may come from this, is what he wanted for Kaldur. So when the phone rang _again_ threatening to wake the sleeping man, Roy snatched it up. 

"What? He's asleep." He kept his voice low, knowing from experience how light a sleeper Kaldur could be. 

"Who is this?" A panicked female voice asked on the other end.

"Roy. Kaldur's...his..." They hadn't actually had that conversation yet. A new wave of frustration swept him up. "Who is _this_?" 

"Debbie. Wake him up. It's Suijin." Her voice cracked. Roy felt his stomach drop. Thoughts of Lian flashing through his mind. He wasted no time practically jumping on the bed and waking Kaldur up by thrusting the phone at him. 

Kaldur's sea green eyes blinked open and confusion took over his face almost immediately. "Hello?" He said into his phone. Roy sat back on his knees and watched as Kaldur's face warped from groggy and confused, to absolute panic. Such a rare site he couldn't remember ever seeing it. And he'd seen quite the collection of Kaldur's expressions. Seconds later Kaldur was on his feet pulling his jacket on while moving towards the bedroom door. Roy caught his hand.

"What's happening?" 

"She's gone." Was Kaldur's simple response before leaving Roy standing in his bedroom alone and confused.

°°°°°°°°°°°°

"Lady Deborah, please cooperate with the Doctor." Vulko practically sighed. Like what was happening was a minor inconvenience. Like her world hadn't just been ripped apart _again_. 

"I'm fine." She insisted. But she wasn't. Not even a little bit. Her baby was gone. Taken from her and she'd been almost helpless to stop it. 

First her sister, now this.

No.

That wasn't a stream she was going to swim down. 

"I'm almost done my Lady." Doctor Thnita said, keeping her voice impressively even, but unlike Vulko she let worry line her words. Debbie however was well passed even attempting to keep calm.

"Why are we wasting resources on me? My daughter-" 

"Is not less important than you." Debbie had heard that tone in Kaldur's voice once before. A new wave of nausea hit her, forcing her face to twist and her eyes to shut. Thnita gently moved her brown hands from Debbie's arms to her forehead. 

"Kaldur'ahm. Do. Not." Debbie forced out. 

"Tell me what happened." He'd moved into hero mode. Or a twisted version of it. A version that masked his anger and pain the way wrapping paper masks a gift. Perfectly well until you start to poke at the edges. 

She opened her blue eyes again to look around her destroyed garden. The stuff could be replaced. As much as she hated to admit it even her beloved coral could be replaced. Suijin couldn't. 

The corals around the perimeter were overgrown; twisted and gnarled from Debbie's powers. Some had returned to their natural state but others still held onto her magic. Suijin's playpen had been overturned and torn in places. The smooth tiles scorched and burned under her feet. Anything that could have been blasted was, and with passion. Debbie herself was now sporting burns up and down her body. It was hard to rise from a sitting position no matter how much she denied it. 

"A Manta Man." Any blood left in his face drained out when Debbie spoke. "He snuck in the palace. I-" A sob started to build up in her chest but she pushed it back down. "I did what I could." 

Kaldur hesitated a few feet away. His jaw set and eyes glassy. "I'll get her back." The edge in his voice was terrifying. 

"I know." She didn't but, sometimes it was better to lie. Not just to others but also to herself. Doctor Thnita gently helped Debbie up. 

"Kaldur'ahm. Please do not end up back in my operation room." She said before leading Debbie away, leaving the blue girl no say in the matter. 

°°°°°°°°°°°°

Kaldur was dizzy. More dizzy than he could ever remember being. But now wasn't the time for that. So he ignored it and turned towards the retreating women. "Debbie." 

Thnita let her come to a stop, which was a mild surprise. The doctor took her oath with a seriousness and had little time for giving in to things that could harm or worsen her patients. 

"Yes Kaldur?"

"You're sure?" He had to ask. Had to know more specifically.

"At the least he wore the armor of a Manta Man." She turned to look at him, obviously trying to hide her struggle. "I know what I saw, Kaldur. Who I fought."

"I just had to make sure."

"It's not your fault." Her voice softened. He flashed back to that night in her room. Her soft heartbroken voice trying to comfort him. But he managed to stay grounded. Stay in this moment. This horrible, cursed, moment. 

"I wish that were true." Was all he said. 

Perhaps there was a timeline where this happened and he _hadn't_ gone on that damn mission. But in _this_ timeline he had. He betrayed everyone he loved. Then he betrayed David, and perhaps a part of him did love David. And now Suijin was stuck in the middle. 

Thnita and Debbie were gone when Vulko finally spoke to him. "My sincerest cond-"

"Do not." 

"Kaldur'ahm." His voice grew quiet. Almost soft. 

"I'll need into the War Room." 

"You know only the King can take command of the-"

"Doctor I did not ask."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and feed back v appreciated


End file.
